Friday, September 29, 2006

So, I may be a hypochondriac.

But, you'd freak out too if, after eating some potentially undercooked pork, remembered that trichinosis was a particularly disgusting infection involving parasitic worms burrowing into your muscle, heart, and brain (for fun photo google helminth, trichinosis, and calcification).
Or, if in a completely unrelated situation, was told by a shocked "Instacare" nurse that your blood pressure was unusually high for someone in their 20's and subsequently and repeatedly draw "pre-hypertension" using the grocery store arm cuff.
Or, if occasionally you feel a pain in your chest and the muscle covering one of the ribs running to the base of your sternum is tender to the touch.
Yeah, you'd freak out too.
I need to go see a doctor.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Well, it's been raining like crazy here in Utah lately.
And since I am way too cheap to pay for a University parking pass, I park inches outside of the "Residents Only" zone near campus and hike three blocks to class in the mornings. Now, I'm a Utahn, and as such, never use an umbrella (see definition of high desert), but all this rain was threatening my expensive university bookstore-bought books...So I caved.

It looked like a conservative umbrella when I first saw it, covered in a plain navy blue case, seemingly the kind Ali's grandma would keep. "Ah, the posession of a woman who preferred utility over fashion," I thought to myself as I shoved it into my backpack.

30 minutes later, I was exiting my car on 3rd South and 11th East into a torrential downpour. As I unsheathed the umbrella and extended it into play, it exploded like a 4th of July snake-in-a-can in a smattering of celestial wonder. In my haste, I had taken...a star umbrella. And I'm not talking supernova star or even glow-in-the-dark star--for that would be manly and cool--I mean the same kind of star found on Old Navy ladies' t-shirts, ball caps worn by European tourists at Zion NP, and the American flag. Not cool...unless you happen to be a grandma, a flag or it happens to be the 4th of July.

So as I walk on campus, trying not to compare the various low-key, neutral, earthtoned umbrellas of passers-by to my bespeckled, flamboyant tribute to "Old Glory," I softly twirl it on my shoulder and discretely hum, "Singing in the Rain."

Now all I need is a bright red hat...

Friday, September 15, 2006

Phrase of the day: "State-mandated Roleplay"

I'm losing weight.
At least, that's what Ali and my mom keep telling me.
But in all honesty I'm the same 165 lbs I've been since 1998. Really.
But, I like to make two very important ladies in my life happy so I'm embarking on a campaign to appease them.
As of Wednesday, I decided to embark on a mission to become the fattest man alive.
Good-bye, healthy choices.
Good-bye, exercise.
Hello, deep-fat fryer.
Okay, not really, but, wouldn't you like to see that on TV?
Join us for 4 contestants throwing caution to the wind and eating whatever and whenever they want, all battling it out to become Fattest Human Alive!. "We're gonna need a crane to move this season's winner!"

But I digress...
I've simply decided to start eating an energy bar in addition to what I already eat every day. You see, I'm hoping that this extra calorie boost will start putting a little meat on my bones. Then my loved ones will notice and stop commenting on the imagined weight that I'm losing. If not, at least I can save my empty wrappers for proof.
It's pathetic, I know. And energy bars are nasty, but, so far I've taste-tested the following before heading over to Costco for bulk-commitment.
Payday energy bar = bland
Clif Bar (Almond Fudge sumthin') = sweet enough, but the aftermath is a little .
Power Bar Natural = nutty and crunchy...almost in excess.
Kashi bar = good texture but this particular variety tasted like Coffee.
Mojo bar = pending
Snicker's Marathon = pending

Any recommendations?

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Cabin Fever!
(Labor Day Weekend)